Songs... Again!

I've some new songs...

There's a story behind the first one. I made it out of anger... thankfully it all worked out so i had to tweak some of the lyrics.

The second one I created while waiting for a few friends at Mc Donald's in DLSU. I was just looking at a tree and wondering what if leaves could fall unseasonably.

HEART'S BETRAYAL

thought I was blessed
to have you part of my family
my defenses rest,
I trusted you implicitly

oh now I could see
the folly was with me

Chorus:
you said you knew me
you said just trust me but you lied
slaughtered to pieces
you butchered me from behind
struck a knife through the heart
of your brother
even though
i would give up for you
my life

lying in pain
i watched you slither through the rain
what a crying shame
you severed our bond your triumph's in vain

oh you let me down
we're nothing but a game

Chorus:
you said you knew me
you said just trust me but you lied
slaughtered to pieces
you butchered me from behind
struck a knife through the heart
of your brother
even though
i would give up for you
my life

My life, my soul
i've given all that you need
well despite it all
you stole the only one for me

Chorus:
you said you knew me
you said just trust me but you lied
slaughtered to pieces
you butchered me from behind
struck a knife through the heart
of your brother
even though
i would give up for you
my life

i would give up for you my life
i would give up for you my life


LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN

if only leaves could fall in springtime
if light won't shine at the height of the day
then the world will understand my pain
and the world will learn to love the rain

Chorus:
let the rain fall on these hungry tears
let the wind blow all the painful years
let the sun dry up all the doubts and fears inside
maybe then i'll learn how to love again

if only stars at night will come crashing down
if only birds so high will lose their sound
then the world will understand my pain
and the world will learn to love the rain

Chorus:
let the rain fall on these hungry tears
let the wind blow all the painful years
let the sun dry up all the doubts and fears inside
maybe then i'll learn how to love again

Coda:
the heart can take only so much pain
through it all, i only had the rain

let the rain fall on these hungry tears
let the wind blow all the painful years

Chorus:
let the rain fall on these hungry tears
let the wind blow all the painful years
let the sun dry up all the doubts and fears inside
maybe then i'll learn how to love again

learn to love again

Dealing with Changes

I'm about to switch jobs... again. Yup, starting july 1, I am no longer connected with Asialink Finance... finally! Hahaha! Meanwhile, starting August 1, I will be with Azeus, a multinational IT company. I'm back on track. Thankfully, my career path has once again crossed with the IT industry.

To be honest, I really had no intention of staying with my current job for more than a year. It just so happened that they were the 1st to open their doors to me when my contract with Sun Microsystems was coming to an end. I was open to any job then, just to get the necessary "years of experience" companies need from their applicants. As I stayed with Asialink, however, I found that this career path is really not for me. Not only was I bored out of my mind with the job, I was also frustrated with a lot of things, from bad company policies, mismanagement, to my utterly stupid boss. I was also dissapointed with the physical environment of the company. So heightened were my dissapointments that my work started to suffer. In short, I didn't think that I would grow with this company.

Don't get me wrong, I did learn a few things with my stay here. For one, I now know how to put up a rural bank. I also learned how to register a company to the SEC, write different documents (board resolutions, lease contracts, corp. secretary certificates), negotiate/ deal with difficult people. However, in all these activities, I only applied skills I already had. To those who truly know me, they would easily see that this situation would bore me to death. I'm the type of person who's always on the look out for new skill to gain, knowledge to absorb. In a company that fosters robotic employees, a person like me who seeks to be part of decision-making truly has no niche.

Thankfully, a new challenge has been given to me through Azeus. With them, I expect to learn a lot, become more immersed in the IT industry. For one, I am sure to learn SQL. It's part of the training. I'm also confident that as time passes, I will learn even more. It also helps that I would not have to deal with adapting to the social environment because I already am acquainted with a lot of people in that company. Hopefully, this company will bring me a really bright promise of a great future. Only time will tell....

Confessions

Moved from judes-little-tales.blogspot.com, originally dated May 28, 2006.

This is not a story. It's a chronicle of why I write about love, stories, poems and songs. It's me without pretensions... something of me that I have never before shared. Thank God no one reads my blogs.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I’ve never fallen in love, at least, never with an actual person. Love has always been something that is too perfect for me. It’s so perfect that no one can dare measure up to my standards of whom I should fall in love with. Not that many are in queue to be my amore. But still, I’ve never found anyone whom I would risk everything for.

Oh there were close encounters of course. There were some people whom I felt something stronger than friendly emotions. There was once this girl, when I was young, around 14 years old I think, who shared my room at the hospital when I was confined. She was a lot older, maybe around 18 or 19 at the time. She gave me mango ice cream the day before my operation. She said that I should have a treat coz she thought that I was sweet. I don’t know why she thought that, but hey, who would turn down free ice cream? But more than that treat, it was the gesture that made me like her even more. She was a good girl. She made me laugh with her jokes, made me feel at ease. She always sang to me too. She didn’t have a good voice but she did have a great smile as she was singing. I fancied myself falling for her. I thought she was brave facing a more dangerous operation the same day that I would be undergoing mine. Well, thankfully, both our procedures ended up well. In fact, we got discharged from the hospital the same day. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to her though when I left. She was at the shower as I went out the door… singing again. I was sad when I got home. But I had hope in me. After all, she was supposed to bring food for the doctors who took care of us the following week for her check up. I also had my check up scheduled that day. Again, amazing coincidences were happening. First, she became my roommate, then she and I had the same operation day, we were discharged the same day, and finally, I learned that she was going to a college just behind the school where I was studying. So I was sure to see her again. The check up day came and I was so excited. But alas, it seemed as if fate realized the things growing in my young heart. She wasn’t there. I actually cried on my way back home. I wasn’t sobbing but tears that I could not control fell continuously from my eyes. When my companion asked why I was crying, I said that I wasn’t. That those tears were actually tears of lethargy, I was sleepy I said. The moment I got home, I locked myself in a room and cried openly. For the next few nights, I was just crying. Then school came along. I thought I would see her then. I didn’t. I walked along their college to try and spot her after class. Never did. And so I began to forget her. After a month, I realized that I no longer cared if I never see her again. I was not in love with her after all. She was just the older sister I never had.

Then there’s this girl I met through an organization. We first met up in a concert. Man, was she pretty! I was taken with her first time I saw her. Then I got to know her better, and what was just crush turned into like. I was starting to fantasize about us being a couple. How I would be so proud of her because she was beautiful inside and out. But I was put into the friend category. Soon enough, we were becoming good friends. I consciously changed the path of my thoughts from the romantic to the platonic and I was successful. Fortunately or unfortunately, I would never be able to tell. We’re good friends now. And you know what they say about two friends, you don’t mess with each other.

And that’s it. Those are the two nearest cases of me being in love.

Why am I writing this? Curiously, a friend asked me why I still didn’t have a girlfriend. I answered “the lack of money”. He said it’s not about money. I said it’s about stability. But I know he is right. It’s never the money or stability. It’s about finding the right one for you. She who will turn your world upside down and still you will be thankful. She hasn’t happened to me yet.

What’s funny is that I’ve always been in love... with love. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who would be happily married and be hopelessly in love. I imagine a faceless woman beside me at the altar or in a park as we play with our kids. I imagine us growing old. I imagine us fighting at times and then learn the best way how to settle the situation, that no matter how bad the fight was, if we were asked at the worst of it if we loved each other the answer would be a resolute “absolutely.” I imagine her smiling because I stole a kiss from her. I imagine myself smiling and thanking the high heavens that she was right there at my lap as I watch her sleep. I imagine the sweet nights that we share, and the good morning kisses.

The thing with imagination however is that the moment you open your eyes, it’s gone.

Truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared to fall in love and I’m scared not to. I’m scared to give up my heart because that might mean that I will never have it back again. In the same way, I’m terrified that I might never find someone to give it up to, or worse, that I’ve actually passed the opportunity of giving it up… I might have already met HER and didn’t recognize her. Too many fears, I know. But they can’t be helped. I’m sure that if I ask my friend whom I’ve mentioned earlier, he would tell me that it would be better if I try and gamble. That would be easy for him to say. He’s happy now.

I hate it that he would also be right.

I haven’t given up yet though. I think that I’m still young enough to find that one person who can give butterflies to my stomach at the mere mention of her name or at a glance at her smile. I would be blessed to find her some day and even more so if she ends up finding me as her own one true love. Maybe then, all my apprehensions will finally cease and all that there will be is courage.

Hah! I opened the computer to write a fiction, and here I go writing a confession. That’s funny.

But maybe I’m meant to write this. Maybe she’s also meant to read this, just as she’s meant to be mine. I’ll take my chances. It’s the first step.

The Da Vinci Code

I watched Da Vinci Code last night with some of my friends. From what I've seen, I have absolutely no idea why the Church and all these morality groups wanted to ban the film. I found it spineless and totally fictional, a tale based on historical entities, no different from your typical historical romances. It did not have the hypnotism or the excitement offered by the book. In fact, I found watching it tedious. By the time RL and SN arrive at LT's house, I had to have a break and went to the bathroom, not because I thought it was heavy or deep, but because I was starting to lose interest. I realize that this is because the nitty-gritty of the artworks were not given focus, and these little details made the book sound credible and less fictional than it really is.

The main fear of its detractors is that the film may allow heretic thoughts into the minds of its audience. This is a well founded fear because if the movie would be able to translate directly the power of the book to the screen, Christianity may well be in danger. It may start to lose its hold over humanity. If Jesus were indeed plainly human, then it obviously follows that the deity Christianity worships is nothing but an equal to any other man or woman. Ergo, the messianic image of the Christ is lost together with the power of the Church as the instrument for salvation. In other words, the Church becomes obsolete. Scary thought for the world's richest institution. However, the book in itself is flawed. It is based on several assumptions that are easily disputable.

The movie is further sanitized by translating only the book's main plot, that of RL's quest to open the codex. There isn't a point in the movie where it made me pause and reevaluate my beliefs. It simply took me to an interesting and highly envious journey through Europe's main attractions. It basically showed me the high aesthetic value of the architectural designs of the olden age. While it was exciting to see such nice places, I was left bereft of my expectations of a probable ideological scandal. Unfortunately, the movie is not worth discussing in classes higher than 2nd year high school.

If the movie had any saving grace, ideologically speaking, it is at the point where RL questions the Christian belief of a deified Jesus. If Jesus is a God, does that mean he can't be a father? This is the kind of question that may be pondered by all the Christian-based religion in the world. For one thing, each of this groups spurts one thing, that God is perfect. If He is indeed perfect, why then can't he be a father to a child and a husband to a wife? Does that lessen His perfection? For me, the opposite is true. If Jesus was indeed a father and a husband, then His perfection is even more amplified for He was able to serve a role that commanded a mature spirit. For the same point, one of my questions to the Catholic church is this: if you are to serve God, does that mean that you can no longer bear a family? Argument says that the path of these religious leaders is the path of celibacy... rooted perhaps with the wrongfully conceived notion that sex is a form of sin. However, one can consult experts and documents, including the Bible, nowhere in the teachings of Christ did he say that to be his disciple is to forgo the richness of a family. It is in fact St. Paul who believed that celibacy is the way to faith, not Jesus.

The Da Vinci Code, as a movie, is worth your money if you seek to entertain yourself. But if you're looking for something deeper than an action adventure, or if you seek to find in yourself answers to issues that plague your faith, you are further served to watch movies like The Priest and The Last Temptation of Christ. Da Vinci Code will simply leave you dead tired.

Living La Vie Boheme!

"Rent" is one of the most enjoyable and meaningful musicales i have ever watched. No wait, scratch that. It is one of the most enjoyable and meaningful movies of any genre. The story is so real, the issues so poignant, and the music so moving. It personifies the lives of people who encounter these issues in their own private lives.

You would think that with a title like "Rent" the story would revolve around landlords and the primary conflict will be a lease contract. Well, it was the opening of the movie, but it did not revolve around those issues (which for me would be better discussed in another movie altogether). Rather, Rent was about AIDS, drugs, homosexuality, struggle, friendship, and above all, love.

The story features the lives of eight people. Eight people soon united as lovers and friends within the span of one year. The story zooms in to the relationship of these people with one another vis a vis the issues of the contemporary world, i.e. drugs and AIDS. I remain strong not to include homosexuality because I believe that this is not a problem. The problem is how "normal" people cannot accept gay people. Thank God, the film fully accepts this notion. In fact, the film showed this aspect of life by portraying the ignorance/idiocy of "polite society." Not only did it criticize the disrespect given to gay people but it also opened the viewers to the other acts frowned upon by the status quo, e.g. S&M, bondage, etc. It belittles the norm by saying that concern for the aforementioned issues are nothing but triviality-- that there are some things more important than people's sexual appetites.

More than sex as an act however, the film delves into a deeper issue regarding sex, i.e. AIDS. Rent utilized the false notion of homosexuality as the breeding ground of this disease to further emphasize that this is a serious matter-- not only because of the dangers to the health of those who have it, but moreso because of the social stigma they face. It speaks of fear, of desperation. However, it also speaks of hope and a sense of justice for the victims. After all, those afflicted are only victims.

AIDS, as previously mentioned, is not bred within the homosexual arena. In fact, statistics prove that there are more straight male who have AIDS than all the homosexuals (gays and lesbians) combined. The number of straight female contracting this disease is also alarmingly high. It is because of these stats that we, as part of humanity, must act as one in helping those who are suffering from it. While it is understandable that some are averse to coming in actual contact with the victims-- after all, the education on AIDS is still not enough and people fear what they do not understand-- we can all start by not blaming the victims for their predicament. Instead of dishing out blaims, let us help propagate proper information so that we can combat the further spread of this disease.

AIDS is not the only disease discussed in the movie. Drug addiction also takes center attention as one of the vilest diseases plaguing the world. It preys on those who are weak. Those who are so desperate to at least momentarily forget the ugly lives they lead. It preys on those who are weak because their partners are weak. It is a disease actively looking for new victims because one more victim means one more profit-source. Unlike AIDS however, drug addiction is something that, when contracted, one can be fully healed. All it really takes is someone to care. Such is the example of Mimi and Roger. Roger, a former druggie himself, took conscious care for Mimi. Though at times he wavered, he was able to instill in Mimi a new hope for life. This is all those who in real life are afflicted need... someone to look after them, give them a renewed lease on life.

These are what Rent tells us, we need to start caring. Caring for those with AIDS, for those enslaved by drugs, and for everyone else. We need to start focusing on love instead of hate, on commonalities instead of differences, of hope instead of failures. Viva La Vie Boheme!

New song

I was thinking of making a song for the foundation... eh it didn't happen... hahaha! i was able to write another song but again, it's another sappy sad love song... how melodramatic. here it is

Let me in your heart

You're crying again
And it pains me to see
You're hurting, love's injury
She's not worth your time
Baby, won't you see me
Come and take a look in my eyes

And there you'll see
The beauty of my surrender
Baby won't you hear me

Chorus
Love let me in your heart
Let me make it up to you
Let me love you the way you want
And Love, share with me tonight
Let my sweet arms hold you tight
Let me take away your trembling and your fright

Won't you give me a chance
Let me take your sorrow
Let me heal you heartbreak
You're just wasting your time
Pining for that someone
Baby, you gotta stop being blind

Oh with me you'll see
A promise of forever
If you'll only let me

Rep. Chorus

tomorrow
she'll disappear
but I'll always be here

Rep. Chorus

Oh oh oh
Love let me in your heart
Let my sweet arms hold you tight
Let me take away your trembling and your fright

oh love
love
love
let me in your heart...


haay... why is it that i write a lot of sad songs.... i dunno! but i like doing it... now i have to focus on that foundation song.

On Catastrophe (Ultra)

This was originally posted as comment in Migs' blog (http://migs.wordpress.com)

"I’m also sure that we have learned something from this incident.. But the question is, are we putting in to practice what we have learned? YES… but for how long?"

This is a good question. I've always believed in the saying "history repeats itself," but only in the right context. That is: "If humanity doesn't learn, then history is bound to repeat itself."

Personally, I believe that this was a result of three main causes: security plan, discipline, and government.

Yes, there was a security lapse. 200+ security men and women may have been deployed but that's not enough... not when you're talking about a 30,000 strong crowd. ABS-CBN, Ultra, and the PNP are now pointing fingers at each other, blaming each other for the mishap. But the reality of it is that all of them are answerable for the disaster. The ABS-CBN and Ultra people already knew early on that the number of people coming to the event was growing exponentially each day. They should have created a contingency plan to cover possible scenarios. A stampede is not unexpected when people that many converge in a very limited space. There's where their irresponsibility lies. On the side of PNP, they say that the organizers did not coordinate with them. That doesn't strip them of the fact that as law enforcers they should have had enough initiative (and common sense) to check ABS-CBN for their crowd control plans.

As was stated in the blog, the people themselves are also party to the cause of disaster. Discipline amongst the crowd would have prevented the disaster from happening in the first place. If the gates weren't mounted and people weren't pushing against each other, there wouldn't have been a stampede. The road may not have been paved well, but if the people were being ushered in or at least taking care by not running, they would not have stumbled. Discipline should have ruled, but it did not.

What did rule, however, is poverty... and hope. This is where the government fails. If at one point in time, they stopped politicking, even for one day and concentrated on economic policies (without vested interests, that is), then the people wouldn't have been in the area. If the people were living comfortable lives then there would have been a great reduction to the number of people that went to Ultra. If the government had a very strong labor program then wowowee and the kind of mendicant entertainment it spurns shouldn't have existed in the first place. The lack of these strong policies and programs is the main reason why the Philippines continue to thrive in strife. This is the reason why the people would risk their lives to get a chance even at consolation prizes from the show.

I just hope that this event will really be inculcated in the public's mind. I hope that we really have learned.

But I highly doubt it.

Just look at EDSA.

Dance upon the fire... ramblings

Don't you wish sometimes that you can do this? To let yourself out, see all that you're made of, try to win the toughest challenges ever made, create the most beautiful invention no one appreciates then make everyone fall in love with it as you have?

Living a typical life like mine, you're faced with enough challenges. Sometimes, you're faced with morality hurdles, then there's the ever present financial burden, oh and that love thing (or the lack of it). I don't mean to belittle these hurdles. They're very hard to face, especially since they're recurring... specifically that financial part. hahahaha! But there are times when i wish the challenge was more, i don't know, special. Not the extra-challenge-milyonaryo-kind of special but something truly remarkable.

I want to change the nation. I want to unite the world. I want to dismantle the US Government. I want to demolish poverty. I want to find cure for AIDS. I want to invent an organic, nature friendly material that's tough as steel but pliable as plastic. I want to talk to animals.

ok... that last entry might be a little disturbing... but what the heck!

unfortunately , i won't be able to do any of those things. the world will not permit me. i don't have the power. more importantly, never will i have the power. i am constrained with who and what i am and my role in this society. I am but one of the masses. An ant in a zoo... too little and too common to be noticed among majestic animals.

this is why i get frustrated a lot. i get frustrated with the people who actually wield such power but do nothing except promote their own interests. I don't know how they can sleep knowing that just outside their doors a guy is searching the dumps for food. it's just abominable.

it's sad. too bad i can't be superman and beat the crap out of them. too bad i can't be Dr. Doolittle and arrange for an animalian upheaval. it's sad that as someone too small all i can do is sit back and write blogs about getting frustrated.

if only i can dance upon the fire... then the world will be a very different place.

Big Time

The following entry is originally posted over Sir Oliver's blog as comment:

"i dunno but i was disappointed with Big Time. I was expecting more with all the hype that came with the movie. it was good/entertaining enough, but i still found it lacking.

the comedy was a bit forced, and the movie did not achieve the "darkness" it deserved. medyo gasgas na yung story pero kung nabigyan ng tamang treatment, baka naging film noir pa ang dating niya.

i really shouldn't but i couldn't help but compare it to Utang Ni Tatang, which basically was a gangster film with the right edginess. Mas ok kasi ang characterization dun, mas may lalim for me. mas nakikilala mo yung pagkatao ng bawat karakter. di tulad ng sa Big time na parang inihain na lang sa yo kung ano sila sa pagkakataong yun at hindi kung ano talaga sila sa realidad ng mga buhay nila. tulad na lang nung kay sonny boy, may issues pala siya with the boss pero sa dulo na lang lumabas, medyo pilit pa. I give one point for Big time though for being less dragging than Utang.

interesting twist however with all but one character dying.

all in all, i'd recommend it still for people to watch. magandang foundation sya to change mainstream cinema. but it's not the best i've watched among its genre."

After Eden... mere ramblings

i've finally decided to use this blog again! hahahaha! i've become rather attached to the one devoted for ian and the CFs that i've forgotten how to be me. well, not anymore. I'm back, once again ready to speak my mind.... God knows i've so much going through it, i'm surprised i'm still functioning normally (whatever normally means).

I just finished After Eden by Arnold Arre. I know it's been in the market for ages now but i guess now's just the time i've taken an interest in it. I was actually looking for another graphic novel (Wasted by gerry alanguilan), but since i couldn't find that, i decided to explore another well recommended title... After Eden.

Well, it was sweet... a bit too dramatic at times but very much forgivable. it tells a story about love. in fact, it nailed the idea of love and all its complications. Destroyed friendships, angels, demons, new relationships, everything in! It's so nice... eww, i'm becoming sappy.

What struck me most about this book, however, is a line about love... it says "love is nothing but an over-glamourized foreplay for a good screw." I began to wonder whether there was truth to that statement. I'm not cynical about love unlike the characters in the story. In fact, i have a huge faith in it. But somehow, i began to think... is love just an excuse to get screwed regularly? Is it a concept made to legalize all our earthy desires?

It seems to me that a lot of people actually believe this. How many times have girls given "it" up coz their boyfriends told them that they loved them? how many guys use the "if you don't agree, then you don't love me" routine to get girls into bed? as the usual answer to autograph books goes... tmtm... too many to count.

The question now is, how do you distinguish love with sex from pure sex under the guise of love? this question is not for the girls alone, it is also for the guys responsible enough to think of the other person's feelings. After Eden poses a solution by ending the book with the lead characters proving that it was indeed love they had because they were truly willing to wait, or willing to give in depending on whose perspective you're looking from. But what if they were wrong? what if after some time together, desire was extinguished, will love go too?

this is a stupid blog. i don't wanna think about it anymore... it makes us loveless-virgins even sadder. hahahaha!